suicidal thoughts

by SWM
(st. George UT, USA)

Verse 1
I walk through the door like I can’t do this no more
I want to drink my problems away screw being sober
Right now I just want my life to be over
Cause whenever I try pulling people closer
They hurt me and I struggle finding closure
This is when I fall to my knees and yell oh lord
Wrap your arms around me and heal me cause I’m so hurt
I’ve finally hit rock bottom, I can’t go any lower
I’m so empty inside, it feels like nothing really matters
How do I put my life back together, it’s practically shattered
And overcoming this struggle is too much for me to handle
It’s too much of a hassle
To always have to live by other people’s standards
And having to get through the abuse is the biggest factor
To why I want death to come faster

Verse 2
I’m done faking it and making it look like I’m happy
If they don’t like me being sad, well, they’ll have to deal with it cause that’s me.
They don’t know how much my depression impacts me
I wish they’ll just leave me alone, I’m ok, stop asking
Even if they knew the truth, they still couldn’t do a dam thing
The only reason I talk to you guys is because it distracts me
But these escapes never seem to last me
Through the day cause the thoughts and my conscience are always clashing
Right when I get alone the thoughts starts to come, I really need help now
My mind is starting to fill with self-doubt
I can’t take it no more, I’m beginning to melt down
Trying to find a way to get the hell out
Of this state of mind, I’m really in hell now
I was able to resist the temptations until now
So I go talk to myself in the mirror, how have you not gone crazy?
You’ve been so depressed and very suicidal lately
Probably because you get beat on the daily
And the amount of criticism you’ve been taking
People can’t seem to figure out that you're the one that needs saving
And they can’t see the difference between the real and fake me
They never try to find out why I’m misbehaving
They just use my actions as a reason to hate me
So I’m all alone when the thoughts come to face me
And I can tell they’ve been waiting

Verse 3
The thoughts tell me, go to mom I know you miss her
You know what you need to do to be with her
Plus do you really think you’ll be missed by tour brother and sisters
Your dad caused you a lot of pain and now it’s his turn
And the frame of your family looks better with you out of the picture
Also your future will be filled with hurt
Then I go to my dad’s car and grab the pistol
And put it to my head and laid my finger on the trigger
Right now I have to make a decision
Should I go to heaven and just ditch them
Or stay here and endure the pain just to stay with them
I know the abuse is still not finished
And when my dad beats me, the walls are my only witness
I know I have to endure the pain because there’s no way to fix it
Because I constantly call for help, but no one will listen
And being hurt by the people the loves me is the only thing that’s
Right now my depression is so persistent
But in the matter of an instant
Your life could be finished
And things could be so different
OK I chose to live with my mom instead of living with him
Then I hear footstep coming from the kitchen
I also hear laughing in the distance
It’s pain, you think you can escape me that easy? Well you’re wrong
The ten commandments, thou shall not kill, Ha you must have forgot
You can’t commit suicide, and then go live with your god
I’ll be with you, even if you’re gone
So you can listen to me or not
But your life will get even more hard
And I will stay close to your heart
And I will get a lot worse as you experience more loss
And you will wander this world feeling more lost
But when it comes to heaven, you got to earn your spot
And it must be a coincidence, there’s an open seat right next to your mom

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